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While lesbian women are certainly bombarded with the same messages about romance as everyone else, I wonder if perhaps they don’t internalize them to the same extent.The gay women I’ve dated don’t expect me to perform romance as a man would, because their relationships have never or rarely included men, and as a result they’ve created their own version of what romance looks like.
He prefers the term "heterosexual," or, if you want to be precise, a male-identifying person who is female-attracted.)My relationships with gay women, on the other hand, have felt much more egalitarian to me.Particularly with those who’ve known their orientation from an earlier age, and/or those who’ve had little, if any, experience dating men in their past.In the same way that straight relationships involve, I don't know, Chinese food, or fighting over the remote. Obviously there are many things wrong with that situation. Sexuality is fluid, and it can change over time, but assuming this in another person is a good way to get something thrown at your head.But the underlying assumption, that threesomes are regularly on the sexual menu, isn't too uncommon. And then there are the people who decide I was never actually REALLY queer at all, that I was either a L. G — Lesbian Until Graduation — dating women because it was fashionable and edgy or because I was just confused.In this situation our interactions feel less scripted and more ad-libbed, and I feel so much more like an equally invested — and involved! If dating gay women has worked for me, why hasn’t it for the friend I quoted above, or possibly for other bisexual women as well?
Consider that I was not socialized as a woman from birth; I never learned to expect the heteronormative tropes of romance and showing attraction.
As a bisexual woman myself, I can’t deny that something about this stereotype that rings true; bi women do seem to romantically engage, or “end up” with men far more often than with woman.
But is this really because we prefer a life of white-picket simplicity and comfort?
Putting on the dress and the ring and legally binding yourself to a person of the opposite sex can wreak havoc not only on your gay credentials but on your own self-perception. Am I turning my back on the struggle of a minority? And then there's the concept that a lifetime with only one set of genitals for company is inconceivable for bisexual people. I've had some very concerned dialogues go something like this:"But how can you be happy with just one gender? I don't feel any mourning for my access to breasts, any more than I mourn for my access to other dudes. If I felt any urge to still be out squeezing them, I would not have walked down that aisle.
Being bi and married doesn't mean perpetually thinking wistfully that the grass is greener elsewhere; it means really, really loving your patch of garden, and working on it ardently.
Just like Anna Paquin, who tweeted about her bisexuality and marriage for Pride Month, I am a bisexual woman, attracted to both men and women, and I am proudly married to a man who's only attracted to ladies*. But together we have discovered that, through no conscious fault of our own, we confuse people. (More on that later.)Much of this confusion seems to come from two sources: preconceptions about bisexuality and how it works, and preconceptions about marriage and what it's for. Bi people are in a particular bind when it comes to their dating pool: If they find a partner of the opposite sex, they run the risk of being accused of queer treason.